I miss you, me and several million other people. There’s a lot to miss when you’ve never physically met someone, but know way too much about them. Miss your smile, blue eyes, freckles, changing hair colour, forthright opinions, fuzzy cardigans, skinny legs, pop sensibility, beautiful dreadful voice, tuneful scream, sloppy perfectionism, 0p-shop/thrift-store dandyism, droll sense of humour, tea-drinking, wild pronouncements, your beautiful hands, the way you smirked to yourself when playing “More than a feeling” instead of “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” All these things are recorded for posterity – otherwise, how could I know these things about you to miss them?
If you had made some different choices in your life, if you hadn’t given up, so much of my life would be the same. But, if you were 46 now, instead of a ‘fallen hero’, would you still dye your hair with Kool-Aid? Probably you’d be going grey, thinning on top. Can’t imagine you losing your taste for thrift-shopping, whatever your bank account was. Nirvana would have broken up while you all did your own thing – I guess a reunion would be on the cards around now. You would have enjoyed working with all sorts of people, making ‘weird’, uncommercial music, doing some producing, promoting outsider artists…I can guess that, because you did most of those in your life-time, or talked about it. Maybe you would have grown out of the slanderous/entertaining broadsides at rival bands, or maybe not. John Lydon hasn’t.
I could go on.” In Utero” is now twenty years old. I’m saving up for the box set. I wonder how different it would have been if you’d had a say in it? It’s a great album, with or without you in the world. I don’t think much about “if only”, it’s a waste of energy – that’s one useful thing I have learned. However someone died, it’s no good trying to wish them back – just remember how they were with love, and acknowledge their failings (because everyone has some) without judgement if you can. So, Kurt, I miss you, though I never knew you. I’m glad you lived, glad your boy-genius talents leaked out into the world for so many of us to feel connected, elated, validated by your music. Sorry it didn’t work so well for you…
Peace, Love and Empathy,